My 41-year-old client “Tamara”, an attractive single mom and entrepreneur, related this all-too-familiar story,

“Doug was bright, funny and successful!  His body felt like it fit mine perfectly but he was still involved with his ex-wife.  It felt like she was joined to him at the hip. I figured that I could just wait her out.  Plus, his life was littered with ‘friends’ who were once sexually intimate girlfriends. Whenever his ex-wife needed anything, he was there in a flash. Whenever he would bring me to places, he would forget to introduce me to his friends. However, I stayed with him exclusively for two years. Another woman came along, a younger one he met at work. Then, I was just the “friend with benefits” I had always been. How can I stop this from ever happening to me again?

How To Talk With Him About Commitment.  Are you so emotionally bonded to an emotionally unavailable man that you feel tremendous pain just thinking of letting him go?  It’s so easy to get strung along thinking that what you have is forever.  Then, you discover that his reluctance to commit converts into his inability to commit.

 You don’t have what you wanted or close to what you thought you had. Solve this by talking to him in a novel, different way. At times women fear asking the very questions they should and accept a man’s  answers as the gospel truth instead of making excuses for his answers. If you learn how to ask questions in the right way,  you can so often avoid those men who can’t commit or turn a man with a reluctance to commit into a committable man.

Words That Reach His Heart.  First, never become exclusive with a man unless you have everything you want, the ring,  house, wedding, trip to Las Vegas, whatever makes you feel like you have the relationship just where you want it to be.Make sure you feel wholly secure that you are loved and come first in his life.Most women would think that this is extreme. However, it’s the only way to stay strong inside, maintain your boundaries and keep your own life moving forward, no matter what he does or says.

It is possible to be fully involved with a man, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, and still keep your options open until you have the commitment from him that you want.

Imagine your joy if you you keep your options open until you feel first in his life. That means until his ex either disappears or just becomes his kids’ mom and a friend to both of you in a way that sits right with you.

How To Get Him To Be The Man You Want.  How do you move a man from not giving you what you want to where you want to be happy, fulfilled, fully committed?

How to Know When You Can’t or When He Can’t?  First, you need to know what is his stuff, and what is your stuff.  What are you doing to push him away, close off your heart and make connection impossible?

What Can He Actually Do? Can he handle a fully realized, deeply committed relationship or does he just look like he’s ready for it?Is he only capable of stringing you along  for as long as he can just to keep your company, without ever taking the relationship where you want it to go?

To find this out, start with yourself.   Are you doing or saying things consistently that make him feel unsafe to open up to you.Start with words and body language in which you focus on yourself instead of on him and refocus your expectations around every moment instead of around a future goal.

Choose Words That Speak Directly To His Heart.  If you find yourself telling a man what he’s doing wrong; i.e., “Why haven’t you called me?”

This tip may change your life:   When you find yourself focused on what he’s doing that upsets you, do this:  Instead of telling him about what he’s doing, share with him what it is you need and how you feel about what you are getting.

In other words, instead of “Why didn’t you call?”   say “I feel disappointed when we don’t talk. I feel like I have expectations and then I set myself up for disappointment. Are we on the same page here?”

Now, no matter what he says, go to appreciation.

Even if you feel like he’s being a jerk, say “Thanks for listening. I love it when you call. I love to hear your voice. It feels great when we’re in contact.”

And then, turn your attention to him:  “I’m curious about what you want.  What kind of phone connection, consistency and continuity do you want from this relationship?”

Then, you listen to him!

 Why Not Do This All The Time?  Basically, a woman fears what she may hear. She fears that his hopes and dreams do not match hers. She fears that he will think she is high maintenance, insecure and needy. In truth, you’re just a normal woman who likes to feel good around a man.

Girls like consistency.  When she does not get what she needs consistently, so she can depend on him to not continually disappoint her, she starts to get triggered and feel insecure and needy.

But that’s not your normal default mode. It takes two to tango and you want to discover who’s dancing and who isn’t!

The Right Words To Say To Him In Every Scenario. Then when you try using the right words in every aspect of your life, see how your vibe changes and how everything around you instantly changes!

Change Your Vibe And Feel Loved.  For now, just try these simple change in your words, where you shift the focus from what he is doing to how you feel about what’s going on for you.

It’s vital that you are NOT sharing how you feel about what he’s doing! In fact, the less you comment on what he is doing, the better!At the most, you can say “…when that happened,” so he knows what you’re discussing.

You can talk about what you feel, that you feel good when you’re connected in person and on the phone, and you feel bad when you’re disconnected.  You can come right out and say that seeing him and hearing from him by phone at least four days a week really matters to you.  Then, ask him where he is about that. You can ask him what he thinks. Ask him if he thinks there’s a way to make what you want and need happen for you.

His Answers Reveal What He Is Capable Of.  If he doesn’t even want to make any effort to figure out how to make you feel better, he may be incapable of a real relationship.  If he attempts to figure something out, like “….I can certainly set my alarm” – then you know he’s at least interested in trying to create a real relationship with you. If he simply attacks you for even bringing the topic up, you have used the wrong words and attacked him and made him wrong or he’s just incapable of having a relationship at all!

Get The Right Words.  Start working on your own language and see how that affects a man. Work at it all the time and practice using these sharing words. Practice refocusing every discussion to your own feelings instead of what he has done wrong.  In fact, perhaps there is no wrong.  Perhaps the way he is and the amount of effort he’s willing to put out for a real relationship works for some other women, but it doesn’t work for you.  This simply means that this man is NOT for you.

Watch Your Relationship Magically Transform with the Right Words  So often, a man does care for you and will step up to deliver what you need and desire.He will feel so much better with the changes in your words that he will start to feel safe enough to open up to you and make a much stronger effort to make you happy.

If he doesn’t, then you know that he’s not good enough to make you happy. No woman wants to know that a man is unprepared to work for her. Put yourself in the driver’s seat and get the info you need by changing your side of the relationship first.  Finally, feeling powerful is what makes all the difference.  It can literally change a man and your relationship dynamics with him.