Mental Preparatory Work

Men, if you wish to have transformational sex and enter the tantric zone, you first must actively clear out all your own sex-related blocks.  From a very young age, society blatantly shoves sex in a male’s face with its mixed messaging. To be sexy you must buy this cologne, wear these jeans and be blemish free with six-pack abs. Unscrupulous marketers try to make you feel insecure about your appearance, which can generate lifelong sex-related inhibitions.  To be a tantric male in bed, you need to consciously clear out some mental space for reality and unlearn the old social conditioning holding you back from showing up as yourself in bed.

1. Challenge The Idea Women Aren’t As Sexual As Men.  Despite our societal progress, there is still a permeating belief that women don’t enjoy having sex as much as men do or crave it as frequently.

Yet, women have a lot more barriers to having sex than men do. Men’s reputations improve when they have had a lot of sexual partners (they get social validation from it). And if anything, women’s reputations suffer from having had an abundance of sexual partners. The tables are slowly turning on this, but sadly this is still the patriarchal world we live in.  Despite risking their reputation, an increased risk of contracting STI’s, and the ability to be impregnated through sex, women still have sex with many partners through their lifetime as they should.

Besides the risks, they can have multiple orgasms with greater ease than most men can.

If you still think that sex is something that women just let men do to them, then you need to re-shape your thinking in a major way. When you learn how to sexually open up to a woman, you will be shocked as to the extent of her sexual voraciousness. Indeed, you’ll likely have a very tough time keeping up with her!

2. Read Popular Erotica.  The mass-scale success of books like the 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy speaks to an under-fucked culture of people who need something more exciting in their love lives.

Did you know that you can learn much about women from reading popular erotica novels. In every series of books, the male protagonists have very consistent themes. They are articulate, quick-witted, vulnerable, sexually explorative, have a dark side to their sexuality, and only have eyes for the female protagonist. In other words, they are intelligent, attentive, men who largely have their lives together and are unafraid to show their partners that they are vulnerable.

3. Cut Out Porn.  Yes, watching porn can ruin your sex life.  It damages your mind on a neurological level, it damages your beliefs about sex and your partner, and it negatively impacts your erectile strength in a huge way. Just say NO to porn.

4. Actively Accept Everything About Sex.  Many people have a pick-and-choose mentality in terms of what is right, normal, or moral as far as their own and other people’s sex lives.  As a sacred sexuality teacher and life coach, I have encountered countless faulty sex-related thought patterns in clients over the years

A buffet-style mindset is holding you and society back from growing. Take time now to acknowledge that everything about sex is normal, healthy and fine. Just because it doesn’t appeal to you doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be allowed for others. As long as it is consensual, it’s all good.

Don’t pick and choose what you see as acceptable for people to engage in. You have your preferences and others have theirs. This step will open you up for your next exercise.

Answer the three questions below with pen and paper: 

1.  What about sex do I think is dirty, strange or wrong?

2.  Why do I think these things? Whose voice do I hear saying that these things should be deemed abnormal?

3,   Does it serve me and my sexual partner(s) to hold onto these beliefs? What if I fully accepted that these things make others happy, and they don’t need to do anything for me sexually?

5. Make A Wish List For Your Ideal Sex Life.  Find a comfortable spot and write out two lists on

• What your ideal sex life looks like; and
• What things you want to try out one day with someone that you are comfortable with.

***If this is a new exercise for you, it may feel foreign at first but just lean into it and see what your mind comes up with. Talk about sexual frequency, sexual positions, different acts, or fantasies. And you need not show anyone your list so nobody is going to judge you.

6. Discuss Your Sex Life With Your Partner. If you are in a relationship, have an honest conversation about your sex life with your partner. What frequently becomes a point of contention in longterm relationships is often swept under the rug. Have a phones-off, distractions free conversation with them to see how they feel with your sex life. Ask them how happy they are, what they wish to see change, or if they would like to try out anything new.

 

Physical Preparatory Work

1. Work Out Hard.  To tap into inner male Shiva, try to work out with some intensity at least once per week. A challenging workout is the most efficient way to re-connect with your male energy. Borrow your exercises from traditional army training workouts for optimal results (pull ups, squats, bench presses, push ups).

2. Masturbate To Re-sensitize Your Body.  Most men honed very unproductive masturbatory habits in their youth.  You masturbated to arousal and ejaculated as fast as possible so as to avoid your parents finding out that you were touching yourself, which had varying degrees of shame attached to it based upon your religious upbringing. Even more harmful is that you frequently did it with pornography or some other external stimulus that made you less aware of  your bodily sensations.

• To re-sensitize your body to your sexual arousal arch, dedicate some time to self-pleasuirng. The best male lovers are experts on their own bodies, so consider your solo-sex to be an exploratory self-study session. What do you respond to in terms of physical and mental stimulation? What kinds of thoughts keep coming back in to your mind, especially as you start climbing the hill towards orgasm? It’s tough to lie to yourself when you’re about to climax, and your most honest sexual thoughts start to bubble up in the last few seconds before you come.

3. Do Kegels.  If you have been disconnected from your sexual self for some time, your mental connection to your genitals has likely lessened to a large extent. The first step in awakening your penis penis is through kegel exercises. Kegel exercises are when you pulse or hold the muscle that stops urination from happening. This exercise is a great first step as it has a low ceiling as to how much muscle it can build or re-awaken by itself.

4. Do Weighted Kegels.  Take kegels to the next level, by adding some weight to your exercises.

Masturbate to arousal, then drape hand towels over your penis to do the penile equivalent of bicep curls (levelling up to wet hand towels, then small beach towels over time).

The penis is actually 30-50 percent muscle and can commonly be seen to grow in length and girth via regular practice.

5. Take A Martial Art Or Self-Defence Class.  While exercising in the gym by yourself can do wonders for your inner beast, taking a martial art or self-defence class where you actually get hit in sparring will take your masculine energy to the next level.  Nothing wakes you up from your humdrum life like getting punched in the side of the head from a boxing glove. The challenge, focus, and discipline of consistently showing up to a self-defence class not only improves your mindset and sex life, but it also improves your overall self-confidence in your daily life.

Emotional Preparatory Work

1.  Make Sure That You Like Your Lover. Many single men question whether they’re flawed sexually because they don’t respond to their partners strongly enough in a sexual way. One reason could be that they just are sexually incompatible. Our bodies know whether or not our partners are good sexual mates for us even if we don’t. Little hints in their saliva, vaginal fluids, and overall scent keep us away from (and keep us running towards) potential partners that aren’t as compatible as we once hoped. So listen to your body and intuition early on in the relationship. If you connect well on a logical and emotional level, but the sexual attraction is lacking, listen to that before taking it any further.

2. Make Sure To Clear The Air.  Little arguments you brush aside in your daily relationship can stifle your sex life.The more muck you let build up between you the harder it will be to connect sexually. Communication channels need to be wide open if your relationship is going to have any chance of succeeding,  especially true when as per your sex life. Are there some things that must be addressed so that you feel more comfortable with each other? Set aside time regularly to have these space cleaning sessions and your respective libidos will thank you.

3. Make Them Feel Desired.  Different things open different people sexually. It might make you feel more loved and desired if, when you return home from work, your partner drops to their knees and welcomes you with a *kiss*.  Maybe your partner is opened sexually less by random sexual access, but more by unexpected acts of romance. Fill the house with two dozen of their favourite flowers and draw them a warm bath to let them unwind in.  You never know how much they’ll love it until you try. So try!

What To Do During Sex 

1. Presence Is Paramount.  Being present during your sexual experience is more than half the battle.  Make ample eye contact, respond to your partner moment to moment, and be aware of her in all that you do.   Get out of your head and enjoy yourself. A huge part of sex is getting out of your head and dropping into your body. So let go of your daily stressors and just dive into each other.

2.  Handle Everything She Gives You.   Just like in all areas of life, you will only be entrusted with the amount of responsibility that you show that you can handle.  If the first time she lets out a guttural grunt or growl it freaks you out and she can tell that you didn’t receive it well, then she will forever want to compartmentalize and limit parts of her raw sexuality around you.  Get comfortable enough in your own skin to handle whatever she throws at you. Whether she’s grunting, moaning, scratching your back, ejaculating, or biting your neck, if you are doing what you need to stay present and hold the kind of sexual space that she needs from you then you will be able to receive it well without batting an eye.  The more you show her that you can handle whatever she dishes otu, the more deeply she will be able to trust you and surrender with you sexually. Then, you both win in that situation.

3. Appreciate Her With Lavish Praise.  Be lavish with your praise in and out of the bedroom. Show her and tell her what you find attractive about her often and it will ease her concerns that she’s feeling a bit bloated/chubby/oily/sweaty.  Love her body and actions, and just be in awe of her delicious self.

4.  If you’re very nervous during sex, you focus on yourself too much.

“Am I messing this up? Am I impressing her? Am I doing everything right?”

Take your attention and focus it on her. Be witness to her every breath, movement, and sound. She’s giving you tons of feedback. You just have to tune out of your radio station and into hers.  This is also a quick fix for occasional erectile dysfunction (ED). When your body is in fight-or-flight mode, then your penis is the last place that your blood wants to go. Relax yourself by focusing on her, her pleasure, and your shared experience.

5. Focus On Yourself.  If focusing on your partner is the sexual light side, then your ability to let go and receive pleasure is your sexual dark side.  If you fret about how well you are doing, it will be tough to fully feel your sexual pleasure. Get out of your head and drop into your body! Focus on the parts of you receiving the most pleasure in each moment and fully feel into them.

6.  Lead Harder.  Masculine energy is directional energy, the leading energy that says “I’m going to do this now” or “Let’s do this next.” Do you mostly let your partner lead your sexual experiences?  If so, see what it feels like if you lead more. Grab hold of the steering wheel and see where you end up.

Be decisive, make requests, or just physically take your partner and lead them in the positions you want them in. Take this up a notch by pinning her arms down, introducing new sexual acts, or introducing toys into the bedroom.

7.  Last Longer.  In Taoist sexual philosophy, masculine energy is like fire while  feminine energy is like  water.The fire can use the water to douse itself quickly (premature ejaculation/a quickie) or it can learn to bright long and bright in order to give the water the chance to come to a boil. And when the water comes to a boil, it can stay boiling for quite some time. You need to learn to last an adequate amount of time in order for your partner to “come to a boil.”  A great way to have more control over your ejaculatory/orgasmic response is to cut out caffeine and refined sugars (stimulants negatively impact your libido), get a good night’s sleep as often as you can (testosterone is only produced at night), and regularly masturbate for extended periods of time. You don’t need to masturbate for hours on end but if you usually masturbate rapidly and race towards ejaculation, try your hand at a few 20 to 30 minute sessions just to re-sensitize yourself back into being aware of your body and sexual response.